Inspired by Star War: The Third Gathers — The Backstroke to the West, I decided to make my own badly translated version of something. Bitter Lake seemed like a good candidate, because it took itself too seriously and was full of people saying things.
I started by transcribing the full film. Next, I used the Microsoft Bing translation tool to process pieces of the transcript. After some experimentation, I found a good sequence of languages: English, Arabic, Chinese, French, Korean, and back to English. After the translation, I had a badly translated transcript of the full film. Next, I created a .srt subtitle file containing each translated line. Finally, I used VLC to show the subtitles and capture still images.
Original: It is the year of our lady sixteen hundred and two.
Original: With the violent assassination of the high council and its leader, King Leoric of Tolver,
This reminds me of "the planet housed Alderaan" from A Novelty Desire.
Original: comes an end to one hundred and thirteen years of peace.
Original: At the hands of the dark brotherhood, the once pround and noble kingdom of Valanor
Dark Brethren might be a better name for the Dark Brotherhood. Also, apparently in this version the Dark Brethren took control of the kingdom and named it Valanor.
Original: plummets into chaos and disarray.
The nobles didn't stop the Dark Brethren from taking control because they were paying attention to a strange bench.
Original: Instead of crowning the rightful heir, the boy prince Arden of Tolver, king of Valanor,
Things haven't been easy since the death of the last Wang Ballan.
Original: the leaders of the four provinces of Tier, Sinnah, Daneth, and Osgard start to vie for power themselves.
The provinces are now only counties. Tier becomes the class, Sinnah becomes Senneh knots, Daneth becomes Danith, and Osgard is still Osgard.
Original: After months of quarrel, fruitless negotiations, and vile treachery, the inevitable happens.
What were those inevitable things that happened?
Original: Twelve terrible years follow.
The translation makes it sound much less serious.
Original: And so, in secrecy and haste, the leaders of the four provinces decide that each
Secret acceleration: it's time to save Valanor.
Original: of them will send an envoy to parley on neutral ground
Everyone is a lion now. Unfortunately, they won't want to eat the barley.
Shay Motion Pictures
I thought this was a fursuit fantasy film, not a golf slideshow.
Original: In association with Eurofurence e. V.
What happened to the first four European Unions?
Original: Bitter Lake
I actually translated "Bitter Lake: Trust is a Fickle Thing" to get the new title. Just "Bitter Lake" didn't produce anything funny.
Vorfenox might be a more interesting name.
Original: Written & directed by
This is the world's first film written by a motor vehicle.
Original: I write to you in all haste to inform you that the plan needs to be expedited
I was in a hurry all that time, but I didn't realize it until I got this letter.
Original: Meet the mark at the aforementioned location as planned,
This one block of HTML should work for all of these websites.
Original: but be there four days ahead of time.
Sit and read a dictionary for four days.
Original: There will be no peace in Valanor, not as long as the dark brotherhood exists.
During the civil war, the Dark Brethren apparently became less evil. Now, they're just ambiguous.
Original: Prince of Tolver, you took your sweet time getting here.
Well, as we saw a few seconds ago, the weather is good.
Original: You wool-headed fool.
That changed the tone a lot. Alternate translation: fluffy imbecile.
Original: Prince finally decides to show up. Hell's bitches.
Every time Raden says his catch phrase, it gets translated as something different. For this one, I can imagine a newspaper headline: Prince Arden seen giving a tour of the underworld! How did they even get there?
Original: Prince Arden of Tolver, Colonel Raden Drraer of Osgard, and the butcher of Daneth, Careth Dale.
The Colonel is renowned for his reading skills. I don't know why this Dan person sent his personal butcher to this strange meeting, but he probably knows something.
Original: I think I speak on behalf of everyone present that these talks can't be over soon enough.
We will use a mysterious and time-consuming process to create a new word.
Original: I will not abdicate. The throne is my birthright.
"You should abdicate." -"Do not give up the throne."
Original: Concessions? The right of succession was taken from me by each and every one of you. This is not negotiable.
A whole half of a caliphate might have a lot of power in the kidnapping negotiations.
Original: I think what they mean to say is, that ruling over Valanor and thus over us makes what you ask a very... precarious thing.
The reading Colonel was just practicing his reading techniques. He's surprised that the Prince is so serious.
Original: You can't handle everything yourself. So who would you put in charge of those? Your half-wit of a brother?
There are lots of people who could manage all those things well, but keeping things out of hand takes special skills. A number might have those skills.
Original: Your darling armies. If there were to be a new high council,
Bilora and the reading Colonel are apparently in a romantic relationship, and it sounds like the Colonel wants to fill the council with his suboordinates.
Original: I take it you'd be seated to his august Majesty's right in the high commander's seat?
Does the Colonel want to create a new position in the council where he can command even the king?
Original: All I am saying is that I think it would be prudent to keep any official decision
Instead, all their official decisions should be foolish.
Original: Out of the hands of one and right into the hands of another.
Someone whose right hand has its own hands
Original: Like the high council would protect Valanor from any unjust action taken by its king,
Ban alcohol in Valanor to get reasonable wages!
Original: Do you think we keep accepting the insultingly low prices you offer us for our crops we sell?
Our sales methods may seem strange, but they are an important part of our culture.
Original: Talks of an independent Sinnah.
Everyone is shocked at the idea of interviewing people without the supervision of the other leaders.
Original: Who would feed your precious armies?
The world of Valanor has its own World Health Organization that supplies food, in addition to promoting public health.
Original: have blinded you from seeing a few very minor details, my dear.
The Colonel instructs his beloved in the art of ignoring details.
Original: but let me remind you, dan Winters, it is not the only province with them.
Remember, fat is not the only thing people need for a healthy diet.
Original: The enemy of my enemy can be my ally. Have you ever thought about that, Belora?
With advanced diplomacy techniques, some leaders can even forge alliances with their unsuspecting enemies.
Original: Gentlemen, I think we have enough to chew on for tonight.
Start by just chewing on us. You can move on to swallowing later.
Original: You wanted to see me.
For someone who can't see in the dark, he walked out onto the pier very confidently
Original: My prince, can't you see that Sinnah is being used as a tool by both Osgard and Daneth alike?
Usgard and Daniel discovered a new and surprisingly powerful political tool: the holy lines.
Original: Now don't get me wrong, I am not a cold bastard, I am not without feelings,
This Colonel is completely emotionless.
Original: but when you are at war, up to your knees in corpses, and a thousand men race towards you,
Knee injuries are one of the most common problems that soldiers encounter.
Original: swords drawn and out for your blood, the last thing you need is to wonder
They want to extract your blood, put it back in, and then extract again.
Original: Despite what has been said about your father, I knew him to be an honorable and cunning man.
I always knew he was secretly planning something evil.
Original: By the way, have you seen Lady dan Winters this morning?
Each morning has a different wife, and only some people can see them.
Original: Prince Arden, are you- Hell's bitches, boy, what did you do?
Did the Prince of Eden's son do this?
Original: She's- she's dead. She stormed off because I told her the truth, and now she's dead.
You aren't dead yet, but that will soon change.
Original: This changes nothing? What about- what about Sinnah's bid in the negotiations?
Why should I spend the money to upgrade to a new version of your collection of software?
Original: Ah! There are- there are hidden barbs in the handle of the cursed blade.
The spicy zip: a well-known method of delivering poison
Original: Son of a whore. What the hell did you do?
This line just got completely bowdlerized.
Original: and then cut himself on the poisoned barbs hidden in the hilt.
I have no idea how bartender and lawsuit got in there, but they make it funny.
Original: What does it feel like, Drraer? Having the blood of a king on your hands?
Hopefully, he does have his own blood in his hands.
Original: Why do you ask? You of all people should know what it feels like.
This butcher is omniscient, but he has to ask some questions for the benefit of the audience.
Original: From the first time you showed up, I had my reservations about you.
A reservation for a delicious dinner at the best restaurant in the village
Original: Ah, you got me there, old man. Then I guess there's no point in lengthening this charade any longer, is there?
Out here? Someone could see us!
Original: The dark brotherhood, then. No matter, let's get this over with.
Dear Black Brothers: We would like to respectfully request something.
Original: You are welcome to try.
Dear Reading Colonel: Thank you for your interest, but we are not currently providing services.
Original: It has been done.
Backstroke of the West has "Is", and She-trust will be pickle has "Did".
Original: For years I have lived in the shadow of my brother. For years I have plotted and schemed,
The painting was an important part of the process.
Original: pretending to be the half-wit they all thought I was.
They valued spirituality, and I pretended to not care about some of it.
Original: I am Atrius the Darkbringer, or as you might know me, Prince Aelrich of Tolver.
My friends call me Eldtritch Abomination.
Original: In one fell swoop you have severed the heads of four snakes.
The translation made this line more poetic.
Original: In less than two minutes, the whole of Daneth was leaderless.
Dennis sounds important.
Original: The man was no fool, but a cunning, power-hungry, and very unpredictable adversary.
Prince Eldrich doesn't think much of the Reading Colonel.
Original: You handled him remarkably well, I have to say. Not an easy feat.
You're developing strong brand recognition as a very effective mercenary.
Original: He died because he smiled sickening lies to my face, called me a retard behind my back.
I didn't realize what was happening to my back.
Original: What comes next? What will happen now?
How now, white wolf?
Original: and I will need to bring them the head of Atrius the Darkbringer, of course.
You need to find your own hair.
Original: real Careth Dale: KwisA
We've come to a decision so. The Number Of plays the role of Dell Karith.
Original: Belora dan Winters: Rin
Some people portrayed Bilora, but we can't remember who they were.
Original: Executive Producer: EZ Wolf Producer: Michael Wolf Visser Associate Producer: Eurofurence e. V.
V. E. Yorovorinsi: The person who really runs Eurofurence
Original: Flute performances by: Stephen "Lanovran" Cumberworth Violin performances by: Ryan "Pacato" Freres Trailer music vocals performed by: Bonnie "Asianeko" Newell
Although they couldn't find the violin, the music still sounds good.